Did you ever want to just blast off into space?

I didn’t. Not until I heard that four planets are now visible in the western sky (I have yet to look) and started fantasizing about it. Although I have always been more fascinated the deep sea rather than deep space nine -- the reason I love "Jaws" and loathe "Star Trek" (although the bloody slug oozing from the human brain in "The Wrath of Khan" is quite compelling) -- I decided I would give space travel a chance. It may make an ideal weekend retreat.

But we have to use some caution when making these snap judgements. It might be one of those ideas that sounds great for two seconds and we readily agree without thinking it fully through -- not unlike a visit to Aunt Gabrine’s. Be mindful that space travel would come with some dire consequences.

Tang. If you think that orange powder mush is bad enough, please note that a kid in the office is into something even worse -- IMITATION Tang. I have yet to understand how you can make an imitation of an imitation beverage taste good when the imitation tastes like diluted Pez and the real thing, if it’s based on orange juice, is not so hot to begin with. But then again I could just harbor ill orange juice feelings from the long-ago milk incident with my younger brother. I didn’t want to finish my milk at breakfast so, when he went to the bathroom, I poured it in his cup, not realizing he was drinking orange juice. He came back and took a sip. I still have nightmares about that shriek.

Another shriek-inducing incident of space travel would be the Major Tom syndrome. If we think panic overtakes us when we miss our bus stop on Farragut Road or wake up on the A train in the Bronx, just think what free-floating around space with only an umbilical cord oxygen line would do for us.

This would add to the rapid effects of aging that come with space travel to begin with. It’s a proven fact that lack of oxygen and gravity makes you wrinkle faster. On a positive note, I saw an anti-aging facial cream billed as "The Kind Used by Astronauts." I think the product was right next to the Gut-Buster-While-You-Eat-Cheesecake product in the mail order catalog. Both were available for only 83 convenient payments of $99.92

But when would you have time to apply this lotion in space? When would you have time to get ready for bed, or meditate, or finish reading "If You Meet The Buddha on the Road, Kill Him," or pray. You would have no "down time" (excuse the pun). You would be on call 24-7 with no privacy and really, now, how do astronauts go to the bathroom?

On the upside of space travel, perhaps you would not need to pray as often since you would technically be closer to heaven. This would also be evident in the fact that, without gravity, you would weigh less (proof there is a God). But remember a lighter reading on the scale still won’t fit you into a size four. What about the dreadful space costumes? I doubt you have much of a selection, even as far as color goes. Maybe NASA will get the right idea from a New York hospital that hired a fashion designer to boost staff morale (she gave them too much cleavage -- male nurses were not pleased).

Another positive factor of exploring new worlds is meeting new -- ummm -- people. You could meet the man on the moon, although I am thoroughly convinced he is already here on earth running the fruit stand on 75th Street. In fact, we already get a chance to meet alien life every day throughout ALL of Brooklyn. Real aliens, however, surely would not speak Brooklynese. And I doubt they would prop one foot up behind them when the lean on a wall in the tell-tale Brooklyn stance (if aliens even have feet). Do aliens have toenails? Hair? I wonder if they have to brush their teeth. These and other important scientific inquiries could be cleared up in a heartbeat with a trip to Saturn.