Welcome to the Year of the Horse – 4699 to be exact. Chinese New Year, which began February 12, is ushered in by three-headed dragons on parade, perpetual moon cakes (the equivalent of the western brick of inedible fruit cake) and doorways draped in chun lian, an ornamental couplet adorned in red.

The Chinese zodiac is fascinating although I am disappointed to have been born in the year of the dog, when longing for year of the rat. Most of us are familiar with the zodiac -- the rabbit, the ox, the slithering snake -- but there are several, lesser-known signs lurking out there of which many people are not even aware.

The jackal. These children are only born during a full moon, are usually misshapen, and are commonly birthed by mothers named Rosemary. Jackal kids are known to set churches on fire and eat bugs. Frederic Lapozza was one I knew growing up. Last I heard he was still serving three to thirty.

The limping-toe sloth. The best we can hope for those born under this sign is that they befriend someone born in the Year of the Drone who will pick up their pieces of unfinished work and carry it on to the hive.

The ant or drone. This type follows orders robotically and is good to have on office staff. The only trouble is they never think for themselves, need constant supervision, and are always asking stupid questions. They are best left to mindless tasks like emptying pencil sharpeners and refilling staplers (although they will even find questions about this stuff).

The one-eyed hyena. Not unlike the jackal, this shady character is found hiding in bushes, under parked cars and in bathrooms at the Port Authority. The most advanced of this sort prey on you without you even realizing it until it’s way too late and you have somehow already been finagled to pick up their dry cleaning, babysit their neighbor’s kid and darn holes in their socks for the next five years. They are slick, sleek -- the reason Sade wrote the song "Smooth Operator." Be very careful if you suspect you are dealing with a one-eyed hyena and if confronted with one, frequently check your pockets to make sure your wallet is still in place.

The kitten that got hit by a car. These poor souls are doormats for anxiety -- and victims of both the hyena and jackal types. The year of the kitten people are a sorry lot for whom everything usually goes wrong. Sometimes all at once. They are also injured quite often, constantly tumbling from rickety ladders, malfunctioning elevators and getting hit with falling debris from overhead train lines. You can frequently find them in hospital emergency rooms or psych wards (when the mental strain gets just too much for them).

The Gila monster. This sporty sort can usually be found in kayaks, cliffs and cavalcades. They are also known to frequent Mt. Rushmore climbing up Lincoln’s head or scaling the "Hollywood" sign in California.

The jeweled tortoise. If you have ever read J. K. Huysmans’ novel "Against the Grain" (A Rebours) you will recognize this type a mile away (from the glitter glare alone). These gorgeous but useless creatures can be compared to something like pink parasols. They look beautiful but serve absolutely no purpose and can sometimes get in the way.

The queen bee. The world is their way or no way. This type is best avoided, especially early in the morning.

The rabid St. Bernard -- See also "Year of the bull in a China shop." These people generally have no clue as to what goes on in the world around them and come charging into the scene, into our lives, disrupting everything that may be in place (or even things that aren’t). In some circles they are not affectionately referred to as Tasmanian devils. They are quite destructive, dangerous, and oftentimes leave puddles of drool whittling behind them.

The cricket. This is a common type, encompassing anyone with a tendency to annoy. They will neither shut up nor go away. When encountering this species, you will soon yearn to feed them to large, gulping fish or frogs kept as pets in terrariums.